Hello Friends, I have missed my regular forays in to the little bloggy world that I have become a part of and has become a part of me. Things have been moving in all kinds of directions though I am not sure which direction I am moving in myself. It has been a very difficult couple of weeks. I have been forced to do some serious reassessment of my situation and how feasible it is to continue on without having a secondary job to rely on for income. My friends have called worried about me. Rightly so, in that I am lucky to have friends who will put it to me straight. In all honesty I have struggled for years now. I have never been able to get a leg up financially, always just squeezing by, hanging in there sometimes by the thinnest of threads. It isn't easy to talk about much less publicly admit. I get so much support to keep on from people and I do believe in myself and what I do. The problem is that no matter how many accolades I receive, shows offered and even orders made it is a difficult to make a living at what I do. Many people say, with the best of sentiments, that it will all work out... but when I sit down to pay my bills I see that it isn't all working out. When I don't have health insurance I see it isn't all working out. When I lay awake at night hoping that nothing will happen to me for fear of not being able to take care of myself it really truly does not feel like it is all working out.
I think the most frustrating part of all of this is the thought of reinventing myself or redirecting what I have worked so hard at doing and a life I have created for myself so that I can eat and pay my bills. The question in my mind is that if I do get a real job, will that help me sleep better at night or will I still lay awake frustrated by the fact that I have had to give up my dreams of being a self supporting artist?